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On Babies and Boys

At my age, all of my girlfriends have babies and boys. (That is, they’re all married and pregnant)

Five years ago, I thought at 28, I’d be married to my ex and preggo with my first kid. I was so sure that’s what I wanted, because it was what everyone else was going to be doing. I’d benchmark with other people, comparing where I was in my project schedule to theirs. And now that I’ve abandoned my own project, I’m still watching them hit their milestones, and it’s sort of this weird sad-but-not feeling.

I’m really excited for all my friends and family who just had babies, or who are about to have babies, and who are married and in love with their twue wuv. For me, I met my soulmate this year too – her name is Suni, and she’s the only person I know that always has my back. And she and I (mostly her) put together this book called Alliances, and we’re really proud of it. And I can’t actually picture myself sharing my life with anyone else at the moment, because we are finally getting along.

The truth of the matter is, I’m almost thirty, and I’ve never actually been a twenty-something. Right after college, I jumped into being an adult, taking care of my ex, the dogs, the house, the bills, the mortgage, the investments. And now that I’ve shaken off my old anxieties about the things I’m “supposed” to do, I was itching to just be selfish for a change. Instead of worrying about what someone else wants to do with their life, just worry about me. And it’s been quite liberating and illuminating.

Six months ago, I intentionally removed myself from the dating game (read: Deleted Tinder from my phone). But the other day I got the strangest urge to reinstall the app, essentially putting myself back out there. It wasn’t out of fear or desperation, my gut was telling me that “It’s Time.”

It’s kind of funny to me how different I am this go-round. I’m very specific about what I want and what I don’t want. I’m myself – the same chick you see on social media and here on the blog. I’m no longer walking on eggshells that everything I say or do is going to scare someone away; I am finally comfortable enough in my own skin to withstand rejection.

Mostly.

Okay, so I’m not perfect yet. But I’m much stronger than I was before, and Iā€™m making much better decisions. I’m trusting my gut when it tells me something, instead of trying to convince myself that it doesn’t know what it’s talking about (*coughEmpathcough*). I feel like I’ve taken a deep breath, and just more relaxed.

Even if the date doesn’t work out, I’m coming home to the only person who’s always had my back. And I’ll crawl into my sweatpants and crack open the laptop and get lost in some fantasy world. And that’s okay šŸ™‚

Oh my, Ryan Gosling. You sure give me the vapors…

Published inLife and Love
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