I have trust issues.
I didn’t ever used to think I had trust issues. I thought I was an open and honest book. There’s a whole lot that I’m not shy about telling people. But when it comes to really honestly and emotionally connecting with someone…
My trust issues come from never feeling like I ever fit in, coupled with some really damaging bullying when I was in middle school. My inner circle is comprised of people who either a) are family or b) have known me too long.
It’s prevented me from making any new, lasting relationships with people. Partially, I think I was afraid to be close with others because I didn’t even like myself for a long time. I didn’t know the person that I was or what I stood for. I didn’t think anyone could ever like me, so I kept people at a distance.
This became a problem when the entirety of my support system (my ex-boyfriend) disappeared, and the rest of it was 1,000 miles away in Florida. And I looked around at the ten years I’ve spent in D.C., and I realized I had very little – relationship-wise – to show for it.
Trust Issues in Alliances
I explored this side of me in Alliances. Lyssa threw her weight in with Tauron when she was very young (as I did with my ex). When he disappeared, she was adrift. In Double Life, she and her little brother learn to trust in the crucible of dangerous situations. Even so, she still can’t be completely truthful with him until this book.
For me, it’s easy to sit behind a computer and blog about my deepest darkest secrets. But to sit in front of someone and look into their eyes and speak with them?