When you have a fear of being alone forever, you make some dumb decisions. A few years ago, I wrote this blog post (plus a few more) when Empath was releasing. I wanted to share all the things I was afraid of, hoping someone might not feel alone. Two years later, I wrote an update to the post to share my progress (see it at the end of the original post).
I am Afraid I’ll be Alone Forever
Originally published May 2015
I rarely go out of my house (even for work) these days, mostly because I don’t want to (see: Campaign for no pants). And with no best friends around here to force me out, I am a happy as a pig in mud. I assume this will change now that I live in Florida, but I wrote this blog post before the move, so there you go.
When I do leave my house for an unscheduled event, I try to remain completely neutral about the entire event, but some part of me can’t help but ask
It’s silly, I know, but being a writer, I’m always imagining different “meet cute” scenarios, and waiting for the time when I’m the subject of said meet cute. I hate myself for it, and it probably contributes to why I have no desire to go out in the world and meet new people. I put pressure on myself and I always end up disappointed when Prince Charming doesn’t appear.
Seriously, I wish I did not feel this way, but I do.
Fears are Terrible
This fear is a dangerous one because it has made me make decisions that are not in my best interest. The Ex comes to mind, mostly. Not only because I stayed with him for two years longer than I should have, but because I stopped seeing him as a person, and started seeing him as a means to an end.
It’s really a horrifying behavior. Seriously, you guys – I thought I was smarter than this.
Now, I’ve gone in the completely opposite way. Whereas before the 1/4 life crisis, I was going out with every Tom, Dick, and Harry that called (or inappropriately messaged me on Tinder), now I simply don’t communicate with anyone.
In fact, the last two “relationships” (if you can call them that) were with people I already knew. Those two aside, I’ve spent the last year avoiding all human contact on the off chance that I would make the wrong decision again. I don’t trust myself to not be a total moron when it comes to love.
Swinging Back and Forth
Just as soon as I make a decision, the Anghenfil begins to whisper in the back of my mind, and loneliness sets in. And then I begin to worry that I’m never going to find someone ever – completely aware at the same time that I have self-sabotaged myself into being alone.
It’s such a strange feeling to be simultaneously afraid of people and also afraid of being without people. I’m caught in limbo between doing things to sate one that trigger the other as I work to let go of both fears.
Slay Your Fears: Two Years Later
At the end of last year, here in Pensacola, I found a new dudebro and–shocker–he wanted a serious relationship. One problem – he loved me, but he didn’t really like me. At least enough to be with me long-term.
Being a believer in “everything happens for a reason,” this newest breakup hurt like a sombitch, but it forced me to accept some things. I finally let go of what my life is “supposed” to look like. Y’all, my life is never going to resemble anything “normal,” and that’s cool. It’s normal for me.
And as for being alone: I’ve found happiness rolling solo with my friends and family. I’ve decided it’s probably better than being miserable with an asshole. Being single also doesn’t mean I can’t have kids, which is something I think I still want. Whatever I decide to do, I know it’ll make me happy, and that’s something to celebrate.
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Lauren Dailey is in break-up hell.
Stuck between moving on and letting go, she puts on a brave face while crying herself to sleep at night. But when a mysterious voice promises escape from her sadness, she is suddenly transported to a new world. And in this place, the slightest touch pulls her out of her tortured emotions into the mind of another - an empath.
The villagers - sweet Aerona and her mischievous twins, wise Siors, and hunky Cefin - welcome her and the blessings her empath powers bring. But this world is not without its dangers. The Anghenfil, a fire-breathing monster, has haunted the village for decades, and has a taste for empaths. And that mysterious voice promising escape from sadness? It's sounding more like a whisper tinged with smoke and embers.
Can Lauren keep the monsters in the mountain and in her head at bay? Or will she succumb to the darkness like the empath before her?
Empath is a book about a girl going through a rough patch. She hears a mysterious voice promising an easy out to all her problems, and is transported to a world where she has the power to feel what others are feeling. Just one problem: there's a dragon that might want to eat her. And oh, by the way, it might also be the source of that mysterious voice, tempting her deeper into her own darkness.
Empath is a standalone novel intended for ages 15 and up. Content warnings for mental health issues, substance abuse, and suicide.
"There," Cefin said, pointing to a pile of rocks that leaned against the side of the mountain. "That is where I found you."
"I was under there?" Lauren breathed. It was obviously a cave-in, and the boulders were thick and heavy. If any of them had fallen in the wrong place, she would have been crushed.
It was a miracle she wasn't crushed.
She approached the pile and saw where Cefin must have dug her out. Seeing the size of the rocks, knowing how close she had come to not getting out, she felt a little sorry for being so angry with him. Although he was being an jerk right now, she wasn't sure she ever thanked him for saving her life.
"Hey," Lauren said, tossing him a sideways glance. "Thanks for saving me."
"Just hurry up," he huffed, pulling his spear off of his back. "The Anghenfil could be in any one of these caves."READ MORE
"The right response is 'you're welcome'…" She walked up to the pile and began pushing aside any of the rocks she could, looking for anything strange. She tossed a fist-sized stone behind her and gasped.
"There's a cave here!" she called to Cefin, who was standing with his spear in his hand and not helping her whatsoever.
She sniffed and began tugging at a big rock, hoping that if she could move it a little bit, it would dislodge other ones, creating a larger hole, one that she could slip through. With a heave, she pushed with all of her might and it broke free, tumbling down into the blackness and taking Lauren with it.
She landed in a heap in the dark, cool cave, coughing up dust and other particles. A small halo of light formed a circle on the ground, but didn't offer any other illumination in the cave. Pushing herself to her feet, she walked over to the hole and peered out, spying Cefin standing at attention.
"I'm fine, thanks for asking."
"Hurry up," Cefin snapped, his eyes glued to the skies.
"Yeah, yeah," Lauren rolled her eyes, disappearing into the darkness.
She stumbled around for a moment, feeling at the floor with her feet for anything that would give her a clue as to how she got here. Maybe she just needed to walk to the end of the cave and she'd wake up back in her own bed. She kicked the ground until she found the wall of the cave, placing her hands on the chilly stone to guide her. She kept to the wall, planting her feet firmly with every step to keep her balance.
Her foot caught on something and she fell, but not onto the hard ground, onto something firm…
In the darkness, a gigantic red eye opened.
She gasped, fear gripping her as she scrambled for the small pinhole in the distance that was the edge of the cave. "CEFIN!" she screamed, her voice echoing in the cave.
The monster was moving, and Lauren saw a flash of bright fire, illuminating the black body the size of an elephant.
She screamed and ran faster, hating herself for ever coming up here. She flung herself at the small hole, wriggling out as fast as she could. Cefin's spear was out, concern on his face.
"Lauren, quiet down, you'll wake the—"
"TOO LATE!" she screamed, pulling herself out of the cave and running past him as fast as her feet could carry her. "RUN!"COLLAPSE
Mindy on Books, Books, and More Books wrote:
This is a thrilling book that mixes a solid fantasy setting with the heroine’s emotional turmoil and does so in a surprising, but well-executed way. Recommended to fantasy fans who don’t mind a more contemporary touch in their books (Lauren is, after all, still a twenty-first century girl traveling to a fantasy world).
Jen Streck on Psychocat Reviews wrote:
Interesting premise of time and space/dimension travel mixed with psychological or mental illness issues so that you aren’t sure even at the end if it really happened. The story was an interesting mix of fantasy and reality. It explores the concepts of depression, suicide, and letting other people in to the “secret” thoughts and emotional connections. Well written so that it is intriguing rather than preachy.
There's a good chance those final chapter will break your feels, but they will also remind you that ending up at the bottom doesn't mean you have to stay there.