There’s nothing to fear but fear itself, but fear is pretty damned scary. This week, I’ve been sharing posts from 2015 about the things that scare me, updating them with progress for 2017. For the last post of the week, it’s time to talk about the fear of fear.
I am Afraid of Fear
Originally published May 2015
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
About a year ago, I wrote a blog post about the fear of the unknown. A control freak by nature (What? CEO of a company?), I hate the idea of not knowing where things are going. I don’t like being in limbo, and I hate not having a plan.
But what scares me even more is having a plan, and then coming face to face with executing it.
I recently completed a cross-country move, after selling my house and everything I own. I spent the past four month in limbo, having this plan that I was finally executing. And as I stared down the execution of that plan that I had thought carefully about….I was–am–petrified.
Fear What You Don’t Know
At the end of Empath, Lauren learns that fear is just an idea. The Anghenfil only has power when she allows it to, and when she firmly grounds herself in the knowledge that she is more powerful than it is, she can (spoiler alert) defeat it.
And so when it comes to the real life fears that have been plaguing me – fear of no money, missing out, intimacy, rejection, death, being alone – these are simply ideas and they can’t hurt me. For as much power as I’ve given these fears, I can also take it away.
The fear of money is unfounded because I can just get another job. But I know that I can make it in this business based on my plan. The plan is solid (if not overly optimistic) and can be adjusted as needed.
The fear of rejection is unfounded and dangerous. If I continue to believe that people will reject me before I give them a chance to, then I will miss out on a beautiful life of deep, fulfilling relationships. People will reject me when I show them my true self (fear of intimacy), but not everyone will. And those who don’t will enrich my life more than I thought possible, which will prevent me from being alone.
These fears that I have been living with for so long have been the only light in my life and I’ve been following them blindly without questioning why. And I found myself in a life that I didn’t even want and wasn’t very good for me.
But questioning these fears is as terrifying as facing the Anghenfil. But just because you fear something doesn’t make it wrong. Just because you are anxious and frightened and unable to breathe doesn’t mean that after the scary thing is over, you’ll be perfectly fine on the other side.
It’s Gonna Be Okay
Take a look at your own life and your own fears. Are the things you are afraid of dictating the decisions you make? Or are you plotting your life based on what you want out of it?
I am still afraid. Hell, this morning, I had a small panic attack when I imagined life without a steady paycheck. It’s easier to stay still and not trigger the pain, but life is infinitely less fulfilling. But I’m no longer letting fear rule my decisions, which is the first step.
I’m not yet to a point where I have my anxieties under control, but that’s okay. Life isn’t about happily ever afters. Life is about being present in the moment, getting all you want out of it, and taking each moment as it comes.
Slay Your Fears: Two Years Later
Looking back on all the progress I’ve made (or not made), the one thing I can say is that I’m definitely a different person. I’m less worried about the future, more okay with taking things as they come. I’ve learned to find acceptance in the here and now, while striving toward the end state.
Quitting my job without a viable replacement income was a HUGE leap of faith. Financially, it was a dumbass decision. Spiritually, it was absolutely the right call. It gave me the space to figure out what I wanted to do (for the moment anyway) and enjoy this one life I’ve been given. And I’ve done a great job of enjoying it, if I do say so myself.
That’s not to say there’s not panic attacks or low moods. But even with the sadness and anxiety that rears its ugly head from time to time, life is absolutely beautiful. And I’m just so frickin’ happy having the beach a short 15 minute drive away…
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Lauren Dailey is in break-up hell.
Stuck between moving on and letting go, she puts on a brave face while crying herself to sleep at night. But when a mysterious voice promises escape from her sadness, she is suddenly transported to a new world. And in this place, the slightest touch pulls her out of her tortured emotions into the mind of another - an empath.
The villagers - sweet Aerona and her mischievous twins, wise Siors, and hunky Cefin - welcome her and the blessings her empath powers bring. But this world is not without its dangers. The Anghenfil, a fire-breathing monster, has haunted the village for decades, and has a taste for empaths. And that mysterious voice promising escape from sadness? It's sounding more like a whisper tinged with smoke and embers.
Can Lauren keep the monsters in the mountain and in her head at bay? Or will she succumb to the darkness like the empath before her?
Empath is a book about a girl going through a rough patch. She hears a mysterious voice promising an easy out to all her problems, and is transported to a world where she has the power to feel what others are feeling. Just one problem: there's a dragon that might want to eat her. And oh, by the way, it might also be the source of that mysterious voice, tempting her deeper into her own darkness.
Empath is a standalone novel intended for ages 15 and up. Content warnings for mental health issues, substance abuse, and suicide.
"There," Cefin said, pointing to a pile of rocks that leaned against the side of the mountain. "That is where I found you."
"I was under there?" Lauren breathed. It was obviously a cave-in, and the boulders were thick and heavy. If any of them had fallen in the wrong place, she would have been crushed.
It was a miracle she wasn't crushed.
She approached the pile and saw where Cefin must have dug her out. Seeing the size of the rocks, knowing how close she had come to not getting out, she felt a little sorry for being so angry with him. Although he was being an jerk right now, she wasn't sure she ever thanked him for saving her life.
"Hey," Lauren said, tossing him a sideways glance. "Thanks for saving me."
"Just hurry up," he huffed, pulling his spear off of his back. "The Anghenfil could be in any one of these caves."READ MORE
"The right response is 'you're welcome'…" She walked up to the pile and began pushing aside any of the rocks she could, looking for anything strange. She tossed a fist-sized stone behind her and gasped.
"There's a cave here!" she called to Cefin, who was standing with his spear in his hand and not helping her whatsoever.
She sniffed and began tugging at a big rock, hoping that if she could move it a little bit, it would dislodge other ones, creating a larger hole, one that she could slip through. With a heave, she pushed with all of her might and it broke free, tumbling down into the blackness and taking Lauren with it.
She landed in a heap in the dark, cool cave, coughing up dust and other particles. A small halo of light formed a circle on the ground, but didn't offer any other illumination in the cave. Pushing herself to her feet, she walked over to the hole and peered out, spying Cefin standing at attention.
"I'm fine, thanks for asking."
"Hurry up," Cefin snapped, his eyes glued to the skies.
"Yeah, yeah," Lauren rolled her eyes, disappearing into the darkness.
She stumbled around for a moment, feeling at the floor with her feet for anything that would give her a clue as to how she got here. Maybe she just needed to walk to the end of the cave and she'd wake up back in her own bed. She kicked the ground until she found the wall of the cave, placing her hands on the chilly stone to guide her. She kept to the wall, planting her feet firmly with every step to keep her balance.
Her foot caught on something and she fell, but not onto the hard ground, onto something firm…
In the darkness, a gigantic red eye opened.
She gasped, fear gripping her as she scrambled for the small pinhole in the distance that was the edge of the cave. "CEFIN!" she screamed, her voice echoing in the cave.
The monster was moving, and Lauren saw a flash of bright fire, illuminating the black body the size of an elephant.
She screamed and ran faster, hating herself for ever coming up here. She flung herself at the small hole, wriggling out as fast as she could. Cefin's spear was out, concern on his face.
"Lauren, quiet down, you'll wake the—"
"TOO LATE!" she screamed, pulling herself out of the cave and running past him as fast as her feet could carry her. "RUN!"COLLAPSE
Mindy on Books, Books, and More Books wrote:
This is a thrilling book that mixes a solid fantasy setting with the heroine’s emotional turmoil and does so in a surprising, but well-executed way. Recommended to fantasy fans who don’t mind a more contemporary touch in their books (Lauren is, after all, still a twenty-first century girl traveling to a fantasy world).
Jen Streck on Psychocat Reviews wrote:
Interesting premise of time and space/dimension travel mixed with psychological or mental illness issues so that you aren’t sure even at the end if it really happened. The story was an interesting mix of fantasy and reality. It explores the concepts of depression, suicide, and letting other people in to the “secret” thoughts and emotional connections. Well written so that it is intriguing rather than preachy.
There's a good chance those final chapter will break your feels, but they will also remind you that ending up at the bottom doesn't mean you have to stay there.